Worn Out

I wish that I had something funny or encouraging or uplifting to say, but the fact is that I am just plumb worn out. I’m exhausted – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I don’t understand why God has brought us to this place in life. Did we misunderstand him? Did we hear wrong? Were we disobedient in some way? 

I feel hopeless and angry, like a complete failure, a hypocrite. I have one child who won’t sleep and who I’m starting to resent for being attached to me 24/7. I have another who is driving me crazy with his disobedience. I’m losing my patience all the time and in no way being the mother they need or deserve.

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I’m trying to function in a home that is not my own, with things that are not my own, living in one room with both kids. Every single time I try to put Thalia to sleep, Justus comes in and wakes her up before I can get her down. The weather has already turned snowy and cold so we can’t even go outside and play because there’s no one to watch Thalia while I take Justus to burn off some energy.

I miss my friends. I miss my church. I miss the place that’s been my home for 29 years. Every time we leave the house my son asks me if we’re going to see his friends. I am at my wits end.

Also I hurt. In addition to falling – down the stairs, on the ice, in the puddles brought in by all the snow – I keep running into things. I’ve run into a giant sewing machine, a washer, a kitchen island, a bookshelf. I am shoveling snow and going up and down stairs and always carrying a child and I’m just sore.

I pray and God is silent. I rail and receive no answer. Tonight I was praying scripture over my daughter and I’m not even sure I can say I believe it anymore. I feel like I would be more successful in getting through if I just rammed my head into a brick wall repeatedly.

My parents have been wonderful but they’re not here. They both have to work. This week, the first week of the separation, my mom is out of town and my dad is working three jobs. I’m not angry at them. I adore them. I am furious at life and this situation and I. Do. Not. Understand. I just don’t.

I don’t have any pithy comments or sage spiritual advice. I’m out. I’m empty. I so desperately need to be filled and I’m so angry at God we’re barely even on speaking terms.

Old enemies are raring their heads – depression, addiction, failure – circling like rabid wolves, closing in on my thoughts. I am supposed to be living an overcoming life. This is not what it is supposed to look like.

Some conqueror I am. I can’t even win a fight against ice cream.

I am grateful for the small bright spots.
My mom’s sweet messages of encouragement.
My dad hugging me while I yelled and cried tonight.
My son wrapping his arms around the dog’s butt and telling him he loves him.
My daughter’s giggles for no apparent reason at all.
Justus, after hearing me crying and praying, coming up to me and saying, “I know Money. I know. I kiss. I know Money . . . Water please?”
The gift of seeing bald eagles while driving into town, scores of elk, mountain goats on the side of the road and the entire herd of bighorn sheep this afternoon, close enough to touch.

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think God is still faithful. I think there must be a plan somewhere in all of this. I am fairly certain this season of life won’t last forever, but right now it feels like an eternity.

One day at a time is too much. I’m living minute to minute and even that often seems daunting.

7 thoughts on “Worn Out”

  1. Oh sweet Leah…my heart cries out for you….this one thing I know that God is faithful even if you don’t feel Him….right now you are in the fire….and even though you feel so alone in the fire…we have all been there at one time or other….and this too shall pass….you have such talent…your gift of words…your gift of music….your gift of laughter….I know how much it hurts when the Potter is reshaping us….but this one thing I know is
    that YOU WILL MAKE IT……when you can’t hold yourself up…God is holding you up….your friends are holding you up in prayer….there will be VICTORY…..I love you sweet Leah…and my prayers will be with you every day….Ann

  2. Leah I wish I could tell you I “totally” get what you’re going through. I cannot. But what I can tell you is I do understand somewhat.

    We have a baby (in my case GRAND) who won’t sleep. A hubby/son in law who is rarely home traveling nearly all the time.

    Jamie and I’ve been traveling back and forth between Dallas and WF, for 11 months. (Packing, loading, unloading, unpacking, repacking, loading, unloading, unpacking only to do it all over again.) the first 5 months were all in Dallas. The past 6 we’ve been going back and forth.

    My house doesn’t look like mine anymore. It looks like a baby’s house instead, or worse since it’s “temporary” it just looks junky and very messy. Dust is piling up, Wayne’s good but he ain’t that good.

  3. Leah I wish I could tell you I “totally” get what you’re going through. I cannot. But what I can tell you is I do understand somewhat.

    We have a baby (in my case GRAND) who won’t sleep. A hubby/son in law who is rarely home traveling nearly all the time.

    Jamie and I’ve been traveling back and forth between Dallas and WF, for 11 months. (Packing, loading, unloading, unpacking, repacking, loading, unloading, unpacking only to do it all over again.) the first 5 months were all in Dallas. The past 6 we’ve been going back and forth.

    My house doesn’t look like mine anymore. It looks like a baby’s house instead, or worse since it’s “temporary” it just looks junky and very messy. Dust is piling up, Wayne’s good but he ain’t that good.

  4. Leah I wish I could tell you I “totally” get what you’re going through. I cannot. But what I can tell you is I do understand ~ somewhat. We have a baby (in my case GRAND) who won’t sleep. A hubby/son in law who is rarely home, traveling nearly all the time. Jamie and I’ve been traveling back and forth between Dallas and WF, for 11 months. (Packing, loading, unloading, unpacking, packing again, loading, unloading, unpacking, only to do it all over again. )

    My house doesn’t look like mine anymore it looks like a baby’s house instead. I’ve missed more church than I have ever missed since being saved. Jamie is living in my moms room while mom is in Alabama. But mom returns this weekend. Which means Connor and Jamie will be back in my prayer room. Which happens to be right next to the kitchen. No way anyone, much less a baby who doesn’t sleep well can sleep in there.

    My back hurts all the time. It hurt before all this and it’s worse now. It’s just crazy. It’s discouraging, depressing at times, disappointing (everyone and everything at my church has changed ~ friends have moved, new people have come I’ve still not met and some I barely got to know before Jan. 1,2014. I’ve been left behind. “But God~….”

    But this ONE thing I do know.
    God is FAITHFUL.
    Seems like everything we’ve prayed goes just the opposite of what we ask Him.
    Seems like He’s not listening.
    Seems like He’s forgotten us.
    Seems like He doesn’t care anymore.

    But this ONE thing I do know. God is FAITHFUL. You hold onto Him.
    When you come up against the enemy of your soul. You hold onto Him.
    The enemy of your home. You hold onto Him.
    The enemy of your family. You hold onto Him.
    The enemy of your kids. You hold onto Him.
    You remember this ONE thing God is FAITHFUL.
    And remember this one portion of Scripture if you don’t remember any other.
    Remember “But God~….”
    Ephesians 2:4-5 | AMP. Bible
    “But God~so rich is He in His mercy! Because of and in order to satisfy the great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved us,
    Even when we were dead (slain) by [our own] shortcomings and trespasses, He made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ; [He gave us the very life of Christ Himself, the same new life with which He quickened Him, for] it is by grace (His favor and mercy which you did not deserve) that you are saved (delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ’s salvation. ” Amplified Bible

    And remember this too . You are being lifted up in prayer by friends everywhere. AND you are loved. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  5. Leah I wish I could tell you I “totally” get what you’re going through. I cannot. But what I can tell you is I do understand somewhat. We have a baby (in my case GRAND) who won’t sleep. A hubby/son in law who is rarely home traveling nearly all the time. I’ve been traveling back and forth between Dallas and WF, for 11 months. (Packing up, loading up, unloading, unpacking, loading up again only to do it all over again) My house looks like a baby’s house rather than mine. Jamie is living in my moms room while mom is in Alabama. But she’ll return this weekend. Which means Connor and Jamie will be back in my prayer room. Which happens to be right next to the kitchen. No way anyone much less a baby who doesn’t sleep well can sleep in there. My back hurts all the time. It hurt before all this it’s worse now. It’s just crazy, and gets discouraging and depressing for all involved. And everyone thinks I’m having a wonderful time. As well as poor Jamie. All the stuff they’ve gone through because they’re not together and all the stuff she’s having to do because Frank is rarely at home. (Started to say never but he is occasionally, just never at he moment she needs him.)
    But this ONE thing I do know. God is FAITHFUL. Seems like everything we’ve prayed goes just the opposite of what we ask Him. Seems like He’s not listening. Seems like He’s forgotten us. Seems like He doesn’t care anymore. But this ONE thing I do know. God is FAITHFUL.
    You hold onto Him. When you come up against the enemy of your soul. The enemy of your home. The enemy of your family. The enemy of your kids. Your remember this ONE thing God is FAITHFUL.
    And you remember this one portion of Scripture if you don’t remember any other. Just hold onto His “But God~…” He will be FAITHFUL to His Word. I promise you He will.
    Eph. 2:4-5 Amplified Version
    “But God~so rich is He in His mercy! Because of and in order to satisfy the great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved us,
    Even when we were dead (slain) by [our own] shortcomings and trespasses, He made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ; [He gave us the very life of Christ Himself, the same new life with which He quickened Him, for] it is by grace (His favor and mercy which you did not deserve) that you are saved ([D]delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ’s salvation. ” You may want to read the whole chapter, or book.

  6. Oh girl…I know I only got a glimpse of it, but I remember how it was when Ben was deployed and I was living with my parents. I would have to sneak into my own room at night as to not wake Logan and its just wierd being a grown adult not in my own house- even though I loved being around my parents…it was hard.

    The first month is minute to minute survival for sure- but that is ok. The highs are barely high and the lows are super low, but I rember after the first month getting into a little groove and it felt more normal, not normal, but more normal.

    And the lowest lows were when you look at your amazing kid and think- his daddy isn’t here to see this and it sucks- it just plain sucks. Ben missed some big milestones and Keith will too, but luckily kids are so resilient…

    I know it feels like eternity, but it isn’t and you don’t have to just think God is faithful, because deep down you know- HE IS FAITHFUL! He knows your limit…Just when you think you can’t take it- he’ll swoop in with a reminder. He is sneaky like
    that 🙂

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