38 Weeks

I am pregnant. SUPER pregnant. Although I am only (ONLY) 38 weeks gestation, I am only one week away from delivery and about 2 months past done with being pregnant.

I LOVED being pregnant the first two times. There was some morning sickness and some interesting symptoms, but by and large I loved it. I felt empowered. My body was doing this amazing thing, growing a new life! I was made for this! I felt like Wonder Woman!

Third time around? Not so much. There haven’t been any complications. I haven’t had to have surgery in the middle this time. I haven’t been hospitalized or even really received any additional monitoring (aside from regular ultrasounds due to some medication I take). But I am ALMOST an elderly multipara, or someone of advanced maternal age. 6 more months and this would officially be a geriatric pregnancy. (I know, only in OB land does being 35 make you elderly. As if pregnancy doesn’t make you insecure enough already.)

And since I’ve been lax about educating people on the weird but true and disgusting symptoms of pregnancy I’m experiencing, something I like to call Pregnancy Fun Facts, I thought I’d just unload them here all at once, in no particular order.

Pregnancy Fun Facts

  1. Did you know you can get varicose veins anywhere in your body? Technically, that’s what hemorrhoids are, varicose veins in your rectum. Sometimes they poke out like a disgusting and awkward little butt balloon. I managed to miss out on this super fun pregnancy-induced side effect my first two times, but now I’m officially in the club.
    Celebrating being part of a fun, new club!

    Anywhere in your body also means your lady parts! The varicose veins in my vulva (it’s not gross; it’s an anatomical term, just like elbow. Calm down) hurt so badly that when I roll over in bed, I will literally cry out in pain.

  2. Pregnancy induced sciatica is another fun perk. This time it kicked in early in my second trimester and has only gotten worse. What is sciatica? Technically it is a pinched nerve that affects your legs. Realistically it is a physical hell that makes part of your leg go numb, the other part feel like it’s literally burning in a fire, and often causes such tremendous shooting pain while walking that your leg collapses under you, resulting in everyone around you freaking out about what I like to call “pregnant lady down”. It’s basically the worst party trick ever.
  3. And who could forget the pregnancy fluids of mystery? Turns out when your pregnant, your body’s mucous membranes go haywire trying to protect you. This means allergy season makes the inside of your nose run like a slime monster. It also means your vagina produces leukorrhea, a super-special lady discharge, as if there wasn’t already enough going on down there.
  4. Speaking of what’s going on down there – let’s talk about peeing! Early and often don’t begin to cover it. Basically, from the moment you conceive, your kidneys ramp up production like a body builder on steroids. By the time you’re in your third trimester, you have to pee every 10 minutes or every time you stand up, which ever comes first. You’ll also be wetting yourself if you sneeze. Or laugh. Sometimes when you cry. And maybe just for the hell of it.
  5. The crying! Oh my gosh hormones. So yes, they render this beautiful little miracle inside you possible. They also make your life (and the lives of those around you) a living hell. Happy? You’re gonna be SO happy, you’ll be the living embodiment of the rainbow vomit Snapchat filter, but with crying. Mad? You’ll ┬ámake the Hulk look like the Dalai Lama. Sad? Forget about it; nothing has ever been as devastating as whatever you’re feeling RIGHT NOW. Just keep a box of tissues nearby at all times. Also, you will quickly swing back and forth through all three of these emotions in less than five minutes time. My poor husband never knows what he’s walking into. I could be laughing one minute and sobbing the next. The kids might all get sent to timeout and have me crying about how much I love them sixty seconds later. This is the only roller coaster you get to ride while you’re pregnant; might as well enjoy it.
  6. Another fun hormonal side effect are the pregnancy dreams. They are ridiculous. And so vivid. They seem so awfully real. I have had inappropriate dreams about friends’ spouses. I dreamed I was in a terrorist attack. I dreamed Annora was crushed to death. I wake up horrified and overwhelmed. And I can’t do a darn thing about it.
  7. Ever had a Charlie Horse? Ever get it in your whole leg? And your foot? Turns out this fairly common pregnancy side effect isn’t well understood, which means it also can’t be well controlled. But screaming in pain is a super fun way to rouse your spouse from a deep sleep. Try it; it’ll go over really well.

So in summation, I can’t sleep. I pee myself on the reg. Everything hurts, inside and out. I am a bag of emotions. I’m not glowing; this is sweat because it’s Florida in July. I’m not smiling at you out of maternal bliss; I’m baring my teeth and liable to bite you, because I have lost all control of my faculties and am now operating on raw animal instinct.

Do not be deceived; I am one pregnant, hot mess.